I behooved my mind – be still.
But my mind keeps wandering off – to where, I am not sure. It just needs to meander about and hop from one idea – question – thought – decision – realization – to another. I cannot stop it. I cannot keep it still. It has to ponder the blueness of the sky or the crispness of the winds (yeah right) or what I have to do next. And before I know it, I am standing up, or jumping about, or talking on the phone, or tinkering with my computer keys, or ruffling the pages of the newspaper or a book – anything but still. It will not be still.
But what is stillness, really?
Is it the mind blanketed by snow, heavy, peerless, gazeless? Do I have to ponder my humanity and come up with convictions that would shake my soul? Do I have to sit really still? For how long? Where do I look? How do I breathe? (and if I doze off, would it be okay?)
You can sense that I am panicking. I cannot do it. (and I want to do it)
In this age of multi-tasking, with the mind and the body trained to do one thousand and one things at once, it is virtually impossible to just watch time and cease to be. I am afraid to cease to be.
If I sit still and watch the minutes tick, won’t I lose my relevance?
If I do not look at and live in the next minute, hour, weeks, the future, that if I watch my life go by, won’t it go by? Won’t I fall into an abyss – of the unprepared, of those caught unaware, of those caught with nothing in their hands, with nothing to show for it (not even irrelevant twitches)?
But lesser noise, lesser movement, going deep, stripping away all activity, silence – and healing – is seductive. But how does one get to less? To still?
Maybe I just need to practice more. Maybe in peeling away all the layers of my many concerns and trivial pursuits (by embracing stillness), I will see with gossamer clarity my life and my meaning.
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