I have been thinking.
As light rain drizzles the cityscape and the horizon is blanketed by grey darkness, I thought of home and of holding my baby, tightly, in my arms.
At once, I was embraced by melancholy.
Because there is a woman holding him right now, one that both of us hardly know.
And I was seized with a realization: I am the one with the college and post-college degrees yet she is the one who is holding the prize.
Irony of ironies.
Is this what I wanted?
My brow furrows but I plod on, trying to be contented, sated, with pictures flashing on my screensaver, and with sweet memories that could not bring to me the smell, the softness and the heart-wrenching tug of mighty baby fingers.
I smiled a semi-sweet smile on another realization: That I pay this woman so that I can be away from the one I want to be with most in the world.
So that I can work and earn my keep because mothers have to work and earn their keep. Because of that rallying cry: to provide a better future for the children.
And what about the present? To provide a better present for the children?
Isn’t reality skewed?
Why do we have this obsession about the future? We always think, anticipate, plan for the next seconds, minutes, hours, weeks. We do not know how to live in the present. We no longer know that the “now” is what is important. We live far away, drowned in the many voices of the future, and the resonance of our good intentions.
And I have this terrible fear too: to be replaced by that stranger in his heart.
But I continue to plod on, hands poised, typing, thinking, taking on the world and its problems, trying to put order to confusion. Meanwhile, my baby wonders about my absence, or my intermittent presence. Maybe.
And maybe I need to rethink my priorities, what my definition of success is, how I want my present to be, and why I refuse to think that I do have options.
P.S. Please catch my webinar on How to Advance Your Finances at Medicol.ph. It will be on October 29, 2010 from 12 noon to 1 p.m. You can register here. You can also ask me questions during this webinar. Hope you can join me!
Article by Issa. Photo by Madelene. Copyright 2010.
Email: [email protected]
SUBSCRIBE! Did you like this article? You can get notified about the latest articles at You Want to Be Rich by entering your email address here. Your address will only be used for mailing you the articles, and each one will include a link so you can unsubscribe at any time.