A month into the year

orange_harvest

Harvest Time

And a confession. I’ve always thought about a comeback.

I thought I had given up blogging, but it is a gift that keeps on giving. And one fine day, I thought, what would it take for me to go back?

Maybe it is the shedding away of a lot of responsibilities, a shedding away of writing as a career.

I was editor of a newspaper. Words were my life. Others’ words, some mine, but I was inundated with it that I wanted nothing to do with it.

The creativity was stifled somehow. Because of a perceived audience, because of being careful, because of what cannot be said, because of what should be said.

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Christmas

Christmas thoughts

Christmas thoughts

What’s a better way to spend Christmas night than to write?

When I am alternating between light and darkness and the words of people confound me? When the incompleteness of the purely digital experience leaves a lot to be said, even when there’s a whole page, reams and pages, to write on?

We experience the reality of the desires of our flesh – our imaginations come to life, the future come to us – and yet it leaves us wholly empty. Having more than 2,000 friends on Facebook does not guarantee a fabulous night, or life. And thoughts come unbidden, sharper, piercing, made wilder by imaginings fired up by a single stroke of a key. Because as we have expanded our world, the more we have turned inwards. Better to drown the voices with, better to silence what we think are our truths.

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Time’s Up

Eternity

Saw those two words and – I have no other word for it – I freaked.

We are all waiting to hear those two words. Okay. Not waiting, I guess. But dreading to hear the final buzz, to have the light go off and have it not come back, to look back at our life – if that life-flashing-before-your-eyes at the end is true – and find that our life was wasted on things and people and moments that did not mean anything.

(But how could it be that every moment would mean something? What pursuit will that be? Isn’t life supposed to be filled – some of the time – with drudgery? Doesn’t that make the moments that stand out – stand out?)

At that very moment, every thing – every problem, every pursuit, every goal, every yearning – seemed trivial.

It will all end for every one – every one – at one point.

If we have a common destiny – this is it. The end.

And just like that – perspective shifted.

Things – and people and situations that made the heart heavy – seemed ludicrous. Concerns – no matter how deep or hurtful – did not mean anything. They are temporary – like the cold wind that kisses us this winter.

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What is your story?

The truth must smell as sweet.

Everyone loves a good story. One that would engage his eyes, his ears, his heart or win his trust or interest.

Reality TV, for example, has as its main draw interesting characters who are masterful storytellers that have amazing stories.

How many were not riveted when a blind home cook has earned the title of Master Chef?

(I think this is the reason why Gordon Ramsay et al chose her to be the winner despite the blah dishes (based on their comments) she presented – her story is irresistible – a cook who cannot see!)

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What if your biggest stumbling block is you?

The glorious past

What if you have done something and you think you can’t surpass it? You replay it all in your head – all that glory, all that attention – and you panic. No, it is not possible for you to do something like that again. And then you wonder what possessed you at that time, what power, what connection to the divine. And why you have lost it. You are at a loss. What do you do? When you – and maybe others (especially others) – have such a high expectation of you.

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Your words will haunt you

Hide!

And I mean this in a good way (okay, sometimes it can haunt you in a bad way too).

A friend saw a letter she wrote 10 years ago to one of her best friends (her best friend showed it to her, in a fit of nostalgia). She said in the letter that although she was sidetracked with having a baby, she thought she would probably pursue law school (she was in her 3rd year at that time) because some dreams are meant to be pursued.

Such tenacity.

Such a positive world view.

Such a positive view of the self.

Take no prisoners.

(she became a lawyer 4 years after)

She wonders if she still has the same fight in her now. The same urgency. The same determination.

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We are here to build, not destroy

Soar

There are those who will always see the glass as half empty.

There are those who will only see the ugly in the situation – and commit it to memory – so they can remind you of it, and catch you unaware.

(sometimes you get caught unaware – when you are your weakest – and that is okay)

There are those who will say something awful and make you feel bad – while keeping a straight face and looking well-meaning and well-intentioned, their barb carefully placed, making you feel, of course, awful.

(not realizing that words have a way of sneaking up on the speaker)

There are those who will compare and look at you with envious eyes. Not measuring up, they strike out and lash out.

Who are not happy for some reason – the weather, their jobs, other people – and want to share their un-happiness.

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Do you want to be him?

Different colors and hues

I am talking about your boss.

Look at him. Do you want to be him? Because you will be him in 5 or so years.

This was whispered to me a long time ago and I was confronted with the question.  Did I want to become my boss? More importantly, was I in the right path?

The right path would, well, feel right – if you like what you see. The responsibilities, the demeanor, the family life, the stresses, the pressures, the rewards – of your boss – will be yours one day.

Can you be him? Do you want to be him?

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