I get an email from Copyblogger or Problogger, asking me why in heaven’s name am I not doubling my traffic? What am I doing wrong, and I am doing something wrong – when I have lived in the blogosphere for 2 years and have nothing to show for it – have not engaged my readers, have not sold a product, have not made a name for myself out there. And that I should think, and think deeply, reflect on the things, the ineffective things, that I am doing, delve on the whys, delve deeper.
So the red alert goes on and I find myself on a mad scramble to go on Tweeter or Facebook promoting, and then reluctantly promoting, because I did not want to inundate my Facebook friends’ walls with (self-serving) articles that promote my blog. I know that yes, they may be enriched by it, but I also do not want to be a pest (because I am not a pest).
You look at your closet and then in it – really look – and you cannot fight the overwhelming feeling that there is just too much that you have allowed yourself to accumulate. Yes, it is a testament to how much money you have had and spent, of the good life that you are trying to craft for yourself and your family. But why is it making your head ache? You heave a sigh, barely manage to control a cringe, and start – but you do not know how and where to begin. You do not even know what your mission is.
Is it just to put things in order? Once again? Until you carelessly pull out an old shirt and the clumsy movement wreaks havoc to other perfectly laid clothes. And then another bad, harried, hurried day comes and your closet is once again in shambles.
Is it to look for things to be given away? But that dress cannot go. You wore it in one of your anniversary celebrations and he said you looked stunning in it. Cannot give those knee high boots away too, they are just way too expensive. Or that sweater, because it was a gift from your boss (what if he asks about it?). Or that blouse, because it still looks kind of pretty. Or that shirt, because you got it on sale and just have not had the opportunity to wear it. Right?
It was in fact the highlight of my day. I could not get enough of them, and would read not one but two or more of different newspapers. And if I make it home before 7 at night, I would switch on the television and hungrily watch the news, letting it envelop me, allowing the visuals – grim or otherwise – to reiterate what I already know.
It is funny really – the way news would explore every avenue and have every possible slant and not stop until a news story is exhausted. And I mean, exhausted.
But after some time, I realized – all the news I have been reading and watching, all that corruption and greed, all that plummeting of the stock market and political upheavals and the skyrocketing of gasoline prices – all of those would get me to a panic, and get me depressed.
But my mind keeps wandering off – to where, I am not sure. It just needs to meander about and hop from one idea – question – thought – decision – realization – to another. I cannot stop it. I cannot keep it still. It has to ponder the blueness of the sky or the crispness of the winds (yeah right) or what I have to do next. And before I know it, I am standing up, or jumping about, or talking on the phone, or tinkering with my computer keys, or ruffling the pages of the newspaper or a book – anything but still. It will not be still.
Let us face it. It is not everyday that we see the world with rose-colored glasses. It is monotony that that kisses our faces day in and day out, like waves that do not fail to come to the shore; it is the humdrum of everyday life that besets us and pummels us into submission; the unexciting coming more often rather than the exciting. And yes, there is some comfort in that. The heart can only take so much – of happiness, of excitement, of something happening all the time.
But when you need to, how do you inspire yourself?
One day you are on top of the world and the next you are down in the dumps.
Whether I believe it or not, I think I need to experience this some of the time.
There are reasons, and there are reasons, of why sometimes it feels that the floor is suddenly giving way: unexplained fear, insecurity, a buckling in the face of adversity, a cowering, a fraying of the nerves, other people making you feel small that you are entertaining thoughts that they are probably better than you and feel threatened about that somehow, a praise that was left unuttered, a change in the direction of the wind, the weather, a tiredness that would not go away, a capitulation of the soul.