Saw those two words and – I have no other word for it – I freaked.
We are all waiting to hear those two words. Okay. Not waiting, I guess. But dreading to hear the final buzz, to have the light go off and have it not come back, to look back at our life – if that life-flashing-before-your-eyes at the end is true – and find that our life was wasted on things and people and moments that did not mean anything.
(But how could it be that every moment would mean something? What pursuit will that be? Isn’t life supposed to be filled – some of the time – with drudgery? Doesn’t that make the moments that stand out – stand out?)
At that very moment, every thing – every problem, every pursuit, every goal, every yearning – seemed trivial.
It will all end for every one – every one – at one point.
If we have a common destiny – this is it. The end.
And just like that – perspective shifted.
Things – and people and situations that made the heart heavy – seemed ludicrous. Concerns – no matter how deep or hurtful – did not mean anything. They are temporary – like the cold wind that kisses us this winter.
Gmail has given me 7 GB of free space. My iPhone has 16 GB. I do not even know how many my laptop has, but it is getting slower so I realize I am getting close – dangerously close – to the limit.
A lot of space gone – because of clutter.
I don’t know about you but I still keep emails from circa 2008 (I have 20,000+ in my Gmail to date) and have tons of unread mail. But I had to take notice when Gmail started flashing me her threat, er, promise that I can have more space – 20 GB – for $5 per annum.
You look at your closet and then in it – really look – and you cannot fight the overwhelming feeling that there is just too much that you have allowed yourself to accumulate. Yes, it is a testament to how much money you have had and spent, of the good life that you are trying to craft for yourself and your family. But why is it making your head ache? You heave a sigh, barely manage to control a cringe, and start – but you do not know how and where to begin. You do not even know what your mission is.
Is it just to put things in order? Once again? Until you carelessly pull out an old shirt and the clumsy movement wreaks havoc to other perfectly laid clothes. And then another bad, harried, hurried day comes and your closet is once again in shambles.
Is it to look for things to be given away? But that dress cannot go. You wore it in one of your anniversary celebrations and he said you looked stunning in it. Cannot give those knee high boots away too, they are just way too expensive. Or that sweater, because it was a gift from your boss (what if he asks about it?). Or that blouse, because it still looks kind of pretty. Or that shirt, because you got it on sale and just have not had the opportunity to wear it. Right?
It was in fact the highlight of my day. I could not get enough of them, and would read not one but two or more of different newspapers. And if I make it home before 7 at night, I would switch on the television and hungrily watch the news, letting it envelop me, allowing the visuals – grim or otherwise – to reiterate what I already know.
It is funny really – the way news would explore every avenue and have every possible slant and not stop until a news story is exhausted. And I mean, exhausted.
But after some time, I realized – all the news I have been reading and watching, all that corruption and greed, all that plummeting of the stock market and political upheavals and the skyrocketing of gasoline prices – all of those would get me to a panic, and get me depressed.
But my mind keeps wandering off – to where, I am not sure. It just needs to meander about and hop from one idea – question – thought – decision – realization – to another. I cannot stop it. I cannot keep it still. It has to ponder the blueness of the sky or the crispness of the winds (yeah right) or what I have to do next. And before I know it, I am standing up, or jumping about, or talking on the phone, or tinkering with my computer keys, or ruffling the pages of the newspaper or a book – anything but still. It will not be still.
I was getting tired of seeing 5,600+ unread mail in my mailbox. What’s funny is I am also being bombarded with emails that say I should simplify my life.
So I did.
But it is harder than I thought.
As of press time, I still have 3,089 unread emails. And it is growing by 50 a day.
I am confounded as to why my unread emails became that much. I am usually overly zealous at reading what’s up in my world and everyone else’s. Looking at my 2008 emails (Gmail has allowed me to keep them), I saw that I had read each and every one. I do not know what happened between then and now.
Let us face it. It is not everyday that we see the world with rose-colored glasses. It is monotony that that kisses our faces day in and day out, like waves that do not fail to come to the shore; it is the humdrum of everyday life that besets us and pummels us into submission; the unexciting coming more often rather than the exciting. And yes, there is some comfort in that. The heart can only take so much – of happiness, of excitement, of something happening all the time.
But when you need to, how do you inspire yourself?